The Blondmailer
by Shikoori
Summary: Naruto learns from a not-so-mysterious man how to blackmail people. The Five Great Nations never saw the nightmare coming. Rated T for mild language.
1. Learning the Art

**The Blondmailer**

Summary: Naruto learns from a mysterious man how to blackmail people and to to use it effectively. Eventually, he makes a name for himself in the shinobi world.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. If I did, Sasuke and Sakura would be dead and Gai would get a better haircut.**

**Chapter 1: Learning the Art**

Naruto skipped outside of a store, happily carrying his eyesore orange jumpsuit. _'This is my first time buying something! And it was so much more cheaper!'_ Naruto thought happily.

As he skipped home, he was wonderfully oblivious to all the glares sent his way, of hatred, resentment, and of disgust. However, being oblivious to this, he didn't notice a hooded figure watching him move, then follow him.

When Naruto got to his apartment, passing by the usual graffiti on his walls (_'Tch. I could do way better than them,')_ the previously mentioned hooded figure materialized in front of him. "Naruto," the figure intoned.

Naruto jumped. "Hey! Don't scare me like that! Who are you, anyway, dattebayo?"

The figure twitched for a second, then said, "Uh… My name is… Nezuri H… Yeah."

Naruto's eyes narrowed for a moment. "Isn't that Hokage-jiji's first name backwards?"

"Nezuri H." smoothly dismissed it with a flick of his hand. "Coincidence."

"Hm... I guess I'll believe you..." Suddenly, Naruto began jumping in excitement. "Oh, is this like in the movies where this super awesome mysterious guy trains the destined child to do something or whatever? I'm so excited, dattebayo!"

Nezuri chuckled. "No, not train, but I'm going to gift you with a skillset that will come in useful in many ways. It is… the art of blackmail!"

Naruto visibly deflated. "Blackmailing? Sounds like painting."

Nezuri grinned. "Kukuku (Damn, I'm sounding like Orochimaru.)… No… It's an important ninja tactic, although few can use it to its full potential. For example, those shopkeepers? They've been overcharging you for your clothes."

Naruto frowned at that. "But the orange jumpsuit was so cheap compared to others!"

"That's because it's an eyesore. If you want to become a successful blackmailer…" Nezuri tossed a hooded cloak similar to his, only smaller, to Naruto. "You can use this for stealth when watching them. You'll need this, too…" Nezuri gave a camera to Naruto. "Take pictures of them. The next time the shopkeepers overcharge you for something, blackmail them with it. Make sure you have some blackmail on everybody, you never know when you'll need it." Nezuri, out of a scroll, pulled out a printer/copy machine. "Plus, you'll need a copy machine and a printer. You'll need to print your photos, and the victims might try to destroy the copies you have. Never bring all your copies, and make sure you hide all your negatives in different places so they won't find it."

Naruto remained doubtful. "I guess I'll give it a try..."

In the so-called "Nezuri H.'s" thoughts, the Third Hokage thought, _"Let's hope he doesn't take this overboard...'_

* * *

><p>After that meeting, Naruto donned his cloak, took his camera, and ran through alleys and backstreets as he made his way to the Hokage Tower. <em>'Let's do this,'<em> Naruto mentally murmured.

**Author's Note:** This is my first fanfic, give me some feedback, what blackmail targets you want after the Third, etc. Make sure, if you can, give me some dirt on those people that you choose. Those who have things Naruto can blackmail them with will have a higher priority in my story than those who just suggest people. I'll give you credit for the idea, too.


	2. First Experience, Target: Jiji

**The Blondmailer**

Summary: Naruto learns from a mysterious man how to blackmail people and to to use it effectively. Eventually, he makes a name for himself in the shinobi world.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. If I did, the Shinigami wouldn't have taken Minato's soul, it would've taken his ****.**

_Last chapter…_

… _Naruto donned his cloak, took his camera, and ran through alleys and backstreets as he made his way to the Hokage Tower. 'Let's do this,' Naruto mentally murmured…_

**Chapter 2: First Experience, Target: Jiji**

Naruto stood in an alley near the Hokage Tower, gazing at it. _'I'm gonna have to climb up on the roof by the window to see jiji. How…'_

Naruto spotted a ladder. _'Oh! Let's go then…'_ Naruto began to climb quickly, and immediately proned as he reached the roof. He began crawling.

When he reached the windowsill, he stuck his eyes above, where a jonin and three genin were talking with the Hokage. _'Oh, crap!' _Naruto mentally exclaimed, quickly dropping.

Naruto would periodically gaze in the window, and after 5 minutes, the jonin and genin finally left. _"Alright, time to start.'_

Quickly whipping out the camera, Naruto brought it to his eye and waited. He saw the Hokage giggling all of a sudden, bringing out an orange book and kissed it. _Snap._

'_But you can't see the book cover,' _Naruto realized, waiting. Soon, the Hokage lifted up the book as if it was gold, giving Naruto a clear view of the book, _Icha Icha Paradise_. _Snap._

"Let's hope I actually get something worthwhile," Naruto muttered, still gazing through the camera." He stayed there for another 20 minutes, getting nothing but the Hokage reading the book (_Snap._), and the former doing paperwork.

Naruto slinked down the ladder, hurrying into the shadows. As he passed by a bookstore's alley, he quickly halted, hurriedly stepped back, peeking past the corner.

He saw a woman throwing the same orange book he saw earlier with a man cowering behind her. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE READING A PERVERTED BOOK LIKE THIS!" the woman shouted, dragging the man by the collar away.

Naruto waited for them to leave, then hurried to the trash can, picking up the book. "Icha Icha Paradise, huh. Let's see…" Naruto muttered, flipping through the book, eyes widening. A giggle escaped through his lips, soon developing into full-blown laughter. "No wonder that woman said this book was perverted! And jiji's _reading _ it! Him, the Hokage! Oh, boy, better use that copying machine Neruzi gave me…" Naruto said to himself as he slinked back home.

* * *

><p>The next day, Naruto marched confidently to the Hokage Tower, a small giggle escaping his lips every now and then. As he passed by the secretary, sticking out his tongue to her glare, he stopped in his own tracks. <em>'Wait… What do I want from him?'<em> Naruto thought. _'Hmm… I heard that in the Academy, you have to learn three jutsus… I'll get jiji to teach me those! Then I can become the Rookie of the Year and get one step closer to becoming Hokage! Dattebayo!' _

Naruto, wearing his orange jumpsuit because he didn't buy another outfit yet, took a deep breath and charged through the door. "Jiji, jiji! Teach me a super-awesome jutsu!"

The Sandaime only chuckled. "All in good time, Naruto. When you get in the Academy, you'll learn some."

An evil grin spread across Naruto's face. Taking out one copy of the photo he spoke. "Jiji, that was an interesting book that you were reading.

A look of horror began to spread on the Hokage's face, but he quickly squashed it, settling back into his kindly old grandfather expression. "Why yes it is. I just bought it the day before."

'_Playing innocent, huh jiji? I'll break you before I can even say dattebayo!' _"But jiji, why did I see a woman beating up a man for reading it and saying that he was reading a perverted book? You're not perverted, are you jiji?" Naruto said innocently.

Sandaime began to sputter before he composed himself. "There are many orange books, Naruto. My book isn't perverted, the cover must have just looked like the one you saw."

Inwardly, Naruto was cackling even more evilly. _'He's playing right into my hands!' _"Well jiji, that book's name was Icha Icha Paradise, and I read a couple of pages from it. Could I see your book just to make sure?"

Sweating, the Third Hokage thought, _"I created a devil, icreatedadevil ohkamiohkami' _"Erm… I lost it! Yes, that's right, I lost it!"

Naruto now began to visibly evilly grin. "Oh, you musta missed the detail in the photo. Your book's cover said _Icha Icha Paradise_. Then you started reading it." Naruto declared, pulling out the other photo.

Now, the Sandaime couldn't keep the look of horror from spreading on his face. Quickly getting in front of his desk, he prostrated himself. "Alright, alright! I'll teach you some super-cool-awesome jutsus! Just don't release it to the public!"

Naruto's evil grin morphed into a happy one. "Alright, then. Kawarimi, Henge, and Bunshin. You'll teach me those until I master it. And if I can't master it, give me a stronger version. Or…" He waved the photos around.

"OK, OK! I'll do it! Let's go to the roof!" The Third led Naruto upstairs onto the roof. Once they got there, the Sandaime made a desperate lunge for the pictures, grabbing onto them and shredding them furiously. For the first time during this period, the Third smiled a genuine smile. "You're 100 years too early to be blackmailing me, Naruto."

Naruto's happy grin morphed back into an evil one. "Copy machines do wonders, don't they, jiji?"

The Third's face fell. "I'll teach you then…"

* * *

><p>The teaching session went well, with Naruto learning Kawarimi and Henge successfully, but being unable to do Bunshin. The Third, recognizing Naruto's chakra capacity, taught him the Kage Bunshin. Naruto, ever the sly one, demanded one other form of Bunshin once the Third mentioned it, learned the Mizu Bunshin.<p>

"KYA HA HA HA HA! I love this blackmailing thing! I can become Hokage right now if I get even better blackmail! But," Naruto paused. "I'll need better jutsu. Alright, let's see… Clothes, food, jutsu… I'll get them all for free! Ahem," Naruto once again paused, changing his voice to an official-sounding one. "Target number two, random shopkeeper #1…"

Naruto followed the shopkeeper that overcharged him for 5 days, tirelessly gathering every bit of dirt on him that he could get. As he blackmailed the shopkeeper whom he promised would not spread his dirt on him if he gave him clothes for free and was about to leave the store, Naruto started the last part of his plan. He turned around, and gave the shopkeeper a gleeful smile. "The cake is a lie. BAHAHAHAHAHA!" And ran away, scattering his copies of the blackmail he received, one of which giving evidence that the shopkeeper was a transsexual, with him donning a wig and flirting with men at a bar, and another giving evidence that the shopkeeper was an asexual, due to a picture stealthily taken while he- sorry, _it_, was taking a shower.

Over the span of a month, Naruto spent time gathering many different things through blackmail, honing his skills as a blackmail artist. Naruto had no idea that at the age of 6, his world would change so much. After the aforementioned month was over, Naruto grew tired of blackmailing civilians and set his eyes on a new goal…

**Authors Note: **Read and review! If, in three days, nobody comes up with a character to blackmail, I'll come up with my own. So review for your chance to win a spot in the story.


	3. A Secret and Teatime, Target: Itachi

**The Blondmailer**

Summary: Naruto learns from a mysterious man how to blackmail people and to to use it effectively. Eventually, he makes a name for himself in the shinobi world.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. If I did, Itachi would actually be a girl.**

_Last chapter…_

…_Over the span of a month, Naruto spent time gathering many different things through blackmail, honing his skills as a blackmail artist. Naruto had no idea that at the age of 6, his world would change so much. After the aforementioned month was over, Naruto grew tired of blackmailing civilians and set his eyes on a new goal…_

**Chapter 3: A Secret and Teatime, Target: Itachi**

Naruto hummed a made-up song about ramen as he ascended the stairs to the Hokage's office. As he barged in, to his surprise, there was a woman with long hair talking to the Hokage.

The pieces of conversation Naruto heard before they turned around was "_Kage Bunshin… secrets…memory…"_ As the "woman" turned around, Naruto took in her features. She had somewhat slanted eyes, lines running down from her eye, and an icy expression. Wait, she had no breasts. Could-could she be? "Are you a boy or a girl?" Naruto blurted out.

The Sandaime desperately tried to cover up his laughter as the woman- or was it a man? facepalmed. "Naruto," the Sandaime explained. "Itachi here is a male. Just because some people have long hair doesn't mean they're females."

"But…" Naruto said blankly as he gazed at Itachi's hair. "Her hair is so pretty…."

Now, the Hokage couldn't contain his laughter and let out a full-blown laugh. For the first time during the conversation, Itachi spoke. "Naruto-kun, I'm a he," while thinking, _'Did he just say that out loud?'_

Naruto quickly recovered. "Um… alright. Hey, Itachi, can you teach me some jutsu, dattebayo? Plus, I know the Kage Bunshin, and you said that there were some… secrets about it?"

For a moment, surprise weaseled(get it?) its way onto Itachi's face, before disappearing. "Perhaps you can figure it out on your own."

Now, an evil grin that Naruto's blackmail victims grew to fear began to make its way onto Naruto's face. "Jiji, I still have some photos of you reading _I-"_

Sandaime quickly shunshined over and put his hand over Naruto's mouth. "Of course I'll tell you the secret, Naruto." Naruto couldn't keep himself from letting out an evil cackle.

Quickly reassembling his expression to an innocent happy one, Naruto jumped up and down excitedly. "Yay! So what is it?"

The Sandaime hastily ignored Itachi's questioning stare, opting to answer Naruto. "The Kage Bunshin sends memories back to the original, creating a way of spying without actually being there. Thus, you could be reading a book while one of your Kage Bunshin is doing something else."

"But why doesn't this work for Mizu Bunshin?" Naruto asked, confused.

"The Kage Bunshin is wholly made up of your own chakra, while Mizu Bunshin uses water with a little bit of your own chakra to take form. Since chakra is made up of your physical and spiritual energy, making in similar to your own life force, memories are obtained when the chakra used by the bunshin dispels. Although you don't recover the chakra, the memories are regained instead," the Hokage explained.

Naruto nodded in understanding. Inwardly, however, Naruto cackled. _'Now I can blackmail __multiple__ people all at once! Yes!' _

"Hey, Itachi, could you leave for a sec? I need to talk to Hokage-jiji," Naruto requested.

"Of course, Naruto-kun." Itachi replied, leaving.

"Activate the sound-proof seals, Hokage-jiji." Naruto commanded.

In Naruto's presence, the Hokage cowered. "Y-y-yes, N-naruto-s-s-sama," hurriedly activating the said seals.

"Jiji, give me dirt on Itachi. I need to blackmail him," Naruto commanded.

"B-b-but, N-n-naruto-s-s-sama, I-itachi-kun is an Uchiha and h-he h-has an i-image-" the Hokage stuttered.

"I don't care. Give me whatever you have," Naruto cut in.

* * *

><p>Naruto hummed the same song about ramen as he headed to the Uchiha district via alleys, wearing his "blackmail ninja clothes", speeding through them. As he arrived at what he thought was Itachi's house, he went around back and settled by the window on a windowpane.<p>

'_Hmm,' _Naruto mused. _'Biggest house in the district… Ooh, maybe he's the clan head's son! That'll make the blackmail even better!'_

Quickly, Naruto reviewed his strategy. _"Have secret component inserted into the camera, leave camera behind, as Itachi notices, toss camera to secret component number- Oh, he's here!' _Naruto ducked down.

He saw Itachi entering through the door, then pulling out a dead female body from the seal. He saw Itachi sit down and place his hand on her breast. _Snap._

Then, much to Naruto's surprise, the body morphed into a doll looking as if it was made in a factory. _Snap._

Itachi then unsealed from a scroll teacups, a table, and a teapot. In a whiny, feminine voice, Itachi said, "I'll be right back, Mika-chan!"

Naruto desperately tried to suppress his giggles as Itachi left the room. _'Alright,' _Naruto thought. '_Infiltration opportunity presented.'_ And clambered in, grabbing the desklight and chucking it out of the window. Then he pulled himself up onto the table, henging into the lamp. _'Now for the kage bunshin to record along with me,' _Naruto thought, briefly waving to the Kage Bunshin hiding behind the bed.

Suddenly, the door creaked open, and Itachi came in. Using the same feminine whiny voice, Itachi said, "Why, look Mika-chan! I've got tea and pocky! Tea party time, right?" _Snap._

Itachi turned around. "What was that sound?" he muttered to himself, reverting to his normal voice briefly. Itachi shook his head, and sat down on the chair.

As he poured tea, ate pocky, and pretend fed "Mika-chan" (_snap, snap, snap) _Naruto henged into the Third Hokage and said in his voice, "Oh, ho, ho! That was good, Itachi, very good!" , climbed out of the window, and ran slowly, tossing the camera to another Kage Bunshin and Kawarimi-ing with it.

Itachi's eyes were furious. "Sandaime-sama! What is the meaning of this?" Itachi exclaimed, and chased after him."

The Kage Bunshin still in the room silently slipped out and hurried back to Naruto's apartment to print and copy the photos.

The real Naruto led Itachi on a cat-and-mouse chase all around Konoha, briefly stopping to henge into different people. Eventually, Naruto created a Kage Bunshin and ran back home, leaving Itachi to chase the copy.

As Naruto reached his "apartment" and was just about to open the door, a hand was placed on his shoulder. "Naruto-kun."

Naruto jumped. "Oi, Itachi! Don't scare me like that!"

Itachi's eyes remained cold. "Have you seen a person running around henging into various people in the village? Oh, right, its _you_, isn't it?"

Dropping the façade, Naruto laughed evilly. "Why, yes, Itachi, it is. Perhaps you'd like the camera?" Tossing the camera to Itachi, Naruto barged in the apartment and ran to the other side, climbing out of the window.

Itachi gazed at the camera for a second, before it somehow punched him in the face. _'Kage Bunshin! How?'_

Staggering back, Itachi shunshined through the apartment to the window were a woman was waiting. "Uh… A-a-anko-san. Would you mind letting me through?"

Anko's eyes glinted evilly. "Oh, I'm afraid not, Itachi-_kun_. You've trespassed in my apartment… And you're about to pay. Kukuku," Anko laughed, imitating her former sensei.

Itachi's screams could be heard throughout the entire village for the rest of the night.

* * *

><p>The next day, Itachi staggered home, tired, and stumbled upstairs to his room, various cuts, bruises, and scrapes all over his body. When he reached his room, he groaned. "Oh, no."<p>

Naruto, waiting in the room with photos in his hand, cackled. "Oh, yes. Itachi, you're going to teach me that Shunshin no Jutsu move you used, as well as the style of taijutsu you use. Otherwise…" Naruto waved the photos around.

Itachi hung his head. "Yes, Naruto-"

"Naruto-sama," Naruto interrupted.

"Yes, Naruto-sama…"

* * *

><p>And so Naruto learned the Shunshin and taijutsu from Itachi, not knowing that the only reason he could do the shunshin was because of his high chakra capacity. The next year, he entered the Academy, where he met the people that would make up the Rookie Nine along with him. Sadly, the Uchiha Massacre occurred that year, courtesy of Itachi, leaving Sasuke alone, an emo-brooder, although Naruto's thoughts on the situation were, <em>'He probably just didn't want me to spread his doll-time photos, so he killed off his clan.' <em>As Naruto made his way through the Academy, purposely failing two exams to stay with "Sasuke-thefutureblackmailtarget" and grabbing the title of the dead-last, he met various ninja, all of whom he blackmailed to learn techniques, some of them including Tenten, an upper grade classmate whom he learnt proper weapon throwing from, Maito Gai, who he honed his taijutsu with, Kurenai, whom he learnt basic and intermediate genjutsu from, as well as chakra control, and Asuma, whom he learnt wind manipulation from. Now, after 5 years in the academy, Naruto graduated through a so-called "backup exam" made up by Mizuki to steal the Forbidden Scroll of Seals. While understanding that it was a lie, Naruto just got it to see the jutsu, learning the Exploding Shadow Clone and the Kage Shuriken Jutsu, he disposed of Mizuki with a quick Fuuton: Great Breakthrough and returned the scroll. Now, he sits in the Academy, awaiting his Jonin Instructor along with Sasuke Uchiha (the emo-duck-ass-haircut guy) and Sakura (banshee fangirl)…

**Author's Note: I'm rushed, since I have school and stuff soon, so read AND REVIEW! Please, please review. There's also a poll on my user page about who should be blackmailed, Kakashi, Sakura, Sasuke, or Iruka. More details will be shown there. Again, please review. I really need them. Thanks. I'll try to update as soon as possible. Plus, the Itachi blackmail idea was borrowed from Sir Chris's "Konoha's Yellow Flash Really Hates Paperwork". I asked him for permission, which he gave. **


	4. Meeting the Team, Target:EroKakashi

**The Blondmailer**

Summary: Naruto learns from a mysterious man how to blackmail people and to to use it effectively. Eventually, he makes a name for himself in the shinobi world.

_Last chapter…_

…_awaiting his Jonin Instructor along with Sasuke Uchiha (the emo-duck-ass-haircut guy) and Sakura (banshee fangirl)…_

**Chapter 4: Meeting the Team, Target: Ero-Kakashi**

As expected from the little dirt that Naruto had on Kakashi, Kakashi was late by 3 hours. While banshee-fangirl was somehow managing to yell with frustration at their sensei's lateness and fawn over duck-ass emo at the same time, Naruto was already planning out his blackmail process to punish Kakashi for being late- of course, that was true… It's not like he was going to blackmail Kakashi into teaching him every jutsu he knew or something… [cough]

Suddenly, the door creaked open, and a person with white hair that stuck up and defied gravity wearing a lazy expression peeked in. "Team Seven?"

"YOU'RE LATEEEEE!" "banshee-fangirl" shrieked.

Kakashi remained unaffected by the shriek, which Naruto admired. "My first impression on you all is… I hate you. Meet me on the roof in five minutes," Kakashi drawled, shunshining away.

"Oh, our sensei is so late, and he tries to act cool, buthesnotascoolas _Sasuke-kuuuun_, right _Sasuke-kuuuuun_?" Sakura cooed.

While seemingly remaining as stoic as ever, Naruto caught a slight shiver running up duck-ass emo's back. Naruto grinned. "I should make a Kage Bunshin that henges into Sakura to do that every step of his way home. Should be interesting, of course with a kage bunshin with a camcorder too… kukuku," Naruto cackled evilly, muttering to himself, not knowing that if he kept saying the last line, he would turn out to be exactly the same as a certain pale-skinned pedophile.

Oblivious to Sakura and Sasuke's reaction to his evil cackle, Naruto shunshined up to the roof.

Kakashi, whose nose was buried in a certain familiar orange book, said, "Oh, you know how to shunshin? You're an interesting one…"

Naruto began to grin, and snapped a picture of Kakashi reading the orange book. "Oh, _Ero-Kakashi_, what's this orange book I see? What if I were to spread the picture all around Konoha?"

Kakashi had no visible reaction to Naruto's statement. "Feel free," Kakashi dismissed him, still furiously reading the orange book's every statement.

While externally, Naruto's face was still in a grin, internally, he growled. _'Unaffected? How? Ah. Open pervert. Perhaps… His mask? I could get his real face's picture and blackmail him… Haha, who would've thought his very face would be such good blackmail? Kukuku…'_

By that time, Sakura and Sasuke had arrived, and were once again giving him a strange look at his comically evil expression. This time noticing it, Naruto asked, "What?"

"NARUTO-BAKAAAA! YOU MUST BE THINKING OF HOW YOU'RE GOING TO MOLEST _SASUKE-KUUUUN_!" Sakura shrieked, her twisted mind concluding. "WELL, YOU CAN'T! HE'S MINE TO MOLEST! MINE ALL MINE!"

Ignoring Sasuke's freaked out look at her, which was the first emotion other than disdain that he actually showed in her presence, Sakura continued to ramble on, the only words that actually made sense being "leaving Sasuke-kun pure for me where I'll dirty him," "do things you won't even imagine," and "I'm sure he doesn't have a small-", that sentence being where Naruto finally cut Sakura off.

"Jeez, banshee, can't you just shut that mouth of yours for once? We all know that," Inwardly, Naruto cackled, "your _Sasuke-kun_ will be all yours to molest and of course, we can't comprehend what that amazingly twisted mind of yours will do to Sasuke," Sakura smiled an angelic smile at this, "but I disagree, Sasuke _does _ have a small, _ahem_, shibatangtang. He's shown me. Unfortunately for you, he's gay."

Sakura adopted a horrified expression. "NO! NO! YOU IMPURIFIED SASUKE-KUN! YOU ACTUALLY DID-"

This time, Naruto adopted the horrified expression. "NO! NO! KAMIDAMMIT I'M STRAIGHT! STRAIGHT AS THE THIRD HOKAGE, AND HE HAD A WIFE!"

Kakashi attempted to cut in, but was cut off. Sasuke was slowly inching away from the two, not even bothering to disclaim that he was gay.

Sakura kept rambling. "BUT HIS WIFE IS DEAD NOW, AND HE MIGHT HAVE CONVERTED! SO BASICALLY, YOU'RE AS BENT AS KAKASHI-"

Kakashi now screeched loudly. "ONE THOUSAND YEARS OF PAIN!" and applied it to Sakura, having her screeching loudly. "PERVERT! MY SENSEI'S A PERVERRRRRRT!"

Naruto, seeing this, immediately shut up. "I… I… I think," Naruto wilted under Kakashi's glare. "I mean! I mean! I _know_ you're straight! There's no way you would be with Gai! … Right?"

Kakashi glared at him once more, and said, "Don't push me. I'm straight! Why would I be reading _Icha Icha_ if I was gay?"

Naruto couldn't keep his prankster side form speaking. "Maybe you're bise-"

"ONE THOUSAND YEARS OF PAIN!" Kakashi screamed. Hearing this, Naruto immediately kawarimi-ed with Sasuke, leaving him to receive the horrifying attack.

"AAAAAHHHHH!" Sasuke screeched.

Naruto shrugged. He just kawarimi-ed with the first thing in sight. But duck-ass emo had it coming anyway.

"Oi, Ero-Kakashi," Naruto began. "Did you want to speak to us about something?"

Kakashi directed heavy killing intent at Naruto, not knowing that the Kyuubi was cancelling it out, leading Naruto to feel nothing.

"Ero-Kakashi, don't glare at me like that. We're gonna take a genin exam and then you get a kick out of seeing our faces. Then we go to the training field you tell us to and you laugh _your_ ass off while you kick _our_ ass and fail us. Right?

Kakashi only kept glaring in response. "Training Ground Seven. Pass on the message."

"No thanks!" Naruto replied cheerfully. "I was a Kage Bunshin this whole time. You get to do it." And with that, the Kage Bunshin dispelled.

"Damn," Kakashi swore. "I've got a blond hyperactive wannabe blackmailer, and emo with a duck-ass haircut, and a banshee. Why does Kami hate me?" Kakashi asked himself, anime tears falling from his eyes.

* * *

><p>Naruto silently slipped past the buildings, arriving at Kakashi's house. Making his way to the window, he slipped in and henge-d into a kunai.<p>

Just then, Kakashi arrived home. The Kage Bunshin hiding in the room nodded, and lifted the camera up.

Kakashi muttered to himself, "What a day," and began taking his jounin vest and his mask off. As he turned around, Naruto quickly snapped a picture. _Snap._

Kakashi's eyes widened. "Who's there?" Kakashi growled, pulling out a kunai.

Naruto, who happened to be the kunai, quickly kawarimi-ed with a shuriken, harming Kakashi.

"RUN, RUN, RUN!" Naruto shouted to his Kage Bunshin, and they jumped out together. Giving the original the camera, the Kage Bunshin ran away to confuse Kakashi. Naruto quickly shunshined back to his apartment. 10 minutes passed as he successfully printed and copied all the copies of Kakashi's face. Grinning evilly, Naruto stepped out of his apartment…

Straight into Kakashi. Naruto feigned shock. "Oh dear, what would you be doing here, Ero-Kakashi? I'll have you know jiji doesn't take well to pedophiles, especially ones that assault me."

Kakashi glared and growled simultaneously (AN: Is that possible?), and ground out, "Give… me… the… photo."

Naruto's grin grew. "Oh? Would you like it?" Naruto asked, waving the photos around.

Kakashi quickly burnt it with a Katon jutsu. However, he didn't look content. "You didn't make negatives?" Kakashi asked, flipping out his Sharingan.

Naruto innocently held up his hands. "Of course I didn't."

Kakashi nodded, walked away, and glanced back. "Did I surprise you at the door?"

Naruto cackled. "Memory transfer, Ero-Kakashi. Oh, and one more thing…." Naruto flipped out another copy of the photo. "I happen to need a sensei that can properly instruct me, not to read porn and make us do teamwork exercises. Think you can manage it?"

Kakashi's eyes widened, and quickly burnt that copy too. Naruto shrugged nonchalantly. "I've probably made 500 copies by now. My clones are carrying them. If you refuse, your face will be all over Konoha. Not so mysterious anymore, hm?"

Glaring, Kakashi asked, "What do you need me to instruct you in?"

Naruto's grin grew to lecherous proportions. "Oh, just about every Fuuton jutsu you know, along with the Chidori."

Kakashi grinned at that. "Sorry, Chidori only works for Sharingan users. If you don't have the Sharingan, you have tunnel vision and you're exposed to other attacks."

Naruto shrugged. "You were the Fourth's student, right? You must know the Rasengan."

Kakashi's grin dimmed and morphed into a snarl. "You're taking me away from my precious book."

Unperturbed, a grinning Naruto replied, "Would you like to read your book and lose your face's mystery status? Or would you rather teach me all the measly Fuuton jutsu you have and the Rasengan while giving me steady instructions and keep your face a mystery? I'm sure jiji will be proud of you for instructing a poor, penniless orphan."

Kakashi's face turned to his usual lazy expression. "You never said-"

Naruto cut in. "Yes, I mentioned 'giving me steady instructions' while teaching me. No slacking off. My taijutsu is pretty good, and my genjutsu is as good as it can be with my reserves. Just teach me," Naruto whined.

Kakashi tch-ed. "Alright, alright…"

**Author's Note: Seems a little off, hm? Oh well. As I mentioned before, I don't have a lot of time. Expect an update every 5 days or so. Next chapter will not feature a target. I'd give you the title name, but that would give it away. Anyway, I've got to mention this. My story has 1,137 hits, it's been listed in 4 communities, has 18 favs, and 16 alerts. And **_**7**_** measly reviews! Please, guys! How about I make a deal. I get 10 reviews for this chapter, and I update in 3 days. Deal? If you can't meet the target, I'm afraid it's 5 days. I really do have a lot of things to do. Oh, thanks to the people that voted on my poll. Kakashi won over Sakura, so I chose him. Plus, my profile is on the favorites list of one person, and on the author alert of 2 people. Thanks so much to all the people that reviewed, favorited, added to community-ed, alerted this story, and favorited my profile and put me on their author alert. You're the people that give me motivation. Did I mention several people from Saudi Arabia, Northern Marlana Islands, Estonia, Kuwait, Qatar, and Czech Ravar read this story? Surprisingly, the second most country that this story was read from, the first being the US of course, was Poland! Thank you to all you Polish people!**


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